The New York Times Paints a Rosy Picture of Surrogacy

Surrogacies are like marriages

By: mtnhighmama | Wed, 07/22/2009 - 12:43

There are a lot of similarities between surrogacies and marriages. In both situations, parties meet and have a 'courting' period. They connect, bond, share intimacies, mingle finances, have a few spats and get through them, many have children but many are unable, and some end sunshine and roses and some end in a flaming mess. I don't think it's that surrogates don't have a voice to share when things end badly, but rather that in most cases things don't end badly. Relationships like the ones recently covered in the media (Sarah Jessica Parker's and Marrisa Jaret Winokur's) are examples of what most surrogacies look like. Respectful, interested, they like each other, they have mutual appreciation, etc.

Now, as a 'gestational vessel', I can assure you that the relationship I have with the parents of the babies I carried is not all sunshine and lollies. What relationship is? What friendship is? There are things we don't agree on, situations we've worked through, the occasional hurt feelings or compromises made. But all good and strong relationships have that as a part of their story.

Just like in divorce, it is painful when surrogacies go sour. And, also like in divorce, there is rarely one right or wrong party.

I agree with Kym

By: dahlia | Wed, 07/22/2009 - 08:10

I agree completely with what Kym says.

With all due respect, I wish you had taken some time to do some research before sharing this piece you've written. I am certainly not disillusioned enough to believe that all surrogacy relationships are roses and sunshine, but as a surrogate currently pregnant with the babies of two amazing people, I find it offensive that you will automatically assume I am less educated or that this may be a negative thing in my life.

I met my intended parents last year. We met through an agency, and we hit it off immediately. I could tell in just that one meeting that they had an amazing amount of love, stability, and genuine affection for these babies that had not yet been created. After choosing to work with each other, we got to know each other for a while before we finally had our embryo transfer. Our first transfer was unsuccessful, and we went on to have a second one. That second one was successful, and I am now almost 11 weeks pregnant with twins. In the past months, we have had our ups and downs, struggling together as we embrace the roller coaster of artificial reproductive technology--but we have never had a conflict with each other. We have always mutually reached decisions after talking about our feelings together. Through this, we have felt the discomfort that may come with these kinds of relationships, learning to talk to each other comfortably about money, sex, parenting, and any other conversation that may leave you feeling awkward afterward with someone you haven't known for a very long time. I feel like we've taken a fast track to familiarity that only families and best friends experience together. It has been incredible to say the least. We have massive amounts of respect for each other, and I can say with certainty that we will remain apart of each other's lives forever.

As for the babies growing inside me, I have learned that one of the hardest things for other people to understand or relate to is my ability to not bond, or become attached to the idea that they are my babies. These babies are not related to me in any way, and knowing that in the beginning allows me to have an emotional separation so that they are loved, but I know they wont be coming home with me when they are born. That is actually a huge reason why I became a surrogate. I am in love with pregnancy and being pregnant, but my own two beautiful children are perfect and I just don't think our family needs to get any bigger. My husband supports what I am doing and enjoys the company of my intended parents as well. My 3 year old son has been apart of this since the very beginning, choosing the intended parents with us, all the way up to seeing our sonograms. We have all been on this journey together, enjoying every minute of it.

I share all of this with you because I feel like you really need to hear the surrogate's side of things. I am sorry that the media has led you to believe that things go wrong so frequently, but I assure you that that really is the minority of situations. Please, in the future, take some time to learn the other side before making such hurtful assumptions. I feel I am a very intelligent person, and I am loving every minute of being a surrogate.

Thank you for taking some time to read this :)

I agree with everything

By: SmartOneKym | Tue, 07/21/2009 - 17:49

I agree with everything BlondiLuvr stated *except* the fact that ALL positive surrogacy relationships happen via matches made through surrogacy agencies. There seems to be a fairly even split between IPs and surrogates who who are "agency" and "independent" (or "indy" as we colloquially say). The reality is that working with an agency does have certain advantages for some people. Still, not all agencies are created equal and working with an agency does not automatically guarantee a smooth, problem-free surrogacy journey. Sometimes matches are made with great journeys and the relationship between surrogate and IPs fails. In lesser circumstances, sometimes the relationship is strong between surrogate and IP, but the agency has faulty business management in which the funds that the IPs place into escrow are mishandled by the agency. IPs need to do their research whether working with an agency or indy.

In reality, there isn't anything that an agency can do that IPs and surrogates can do for themselves with careful research. No one way is better than the other; it's all a matter of personal preference. I am an independent surrogate and I know of many others who've had great success (both surrogate and IP) working independently.

I think this stereotype that

By: BlondieLuvr | Tue, 07/21/2009 - 16:37

I think this stereotype that the surrogate must be uneducated and poor is just silly. As for as I can tell, any intelligent person who is looking for a surrogate goes through an agency who does rigorous physical and psychological testing to find an appropriate surrogate. If they don't, they could end up with some very serious legal problems (IE the surrogate thinking the baby is hers, wanting to keep it, stalking the family afterward, etc).

My sister is having a baby with her second surrogate, and both the surrogate and my brother in law went through very intensive therapy and tests to make sure all who were involved were emotionally able. Also, the surrogates must have had children beforehand
I'm not sure if this is normal, but both surrogates (the current and the previous) are nurses, and the current one has attended more than half of med school and is one class away from being a nurse practitioner. This is much more than my sister and her husband's bachelor degrees.

So, the idea of the surrogate right now being too poor and uneducated to realize what they are doing is just silly. I think that's a possibility as the procedure becomes more normal, cheaper, and there are more laws governing whose baby it is, so this is something to watch out for. I do think that is should become a standard that these tests are done on everyone wanting to do a surrogacy, whether they go through an agency or not.

However, if I had to guess based on what I've seen of surrogacy, the "bad" stories are probably in the minority. For now. I think portraying the very small minority would be quite silly, and very representative of the media today who try to make everything into a horror story.

As a gestational surrogate

By: SmartOneKym | Tue, 07/21/2009 - 15:58

As a gestational surrogate and active member of the infertility/surrogacy community, I can only partially agree with you. Yes, the NYT painted a "rosy picture" of surrogacy. As someone outside the community, what you don't know is that the NYT's most recent piece on the Parker/Broderick journey is actually closer to what *most* surrogacy journeys end up being -- a symbiotic journey where both intended parents and surrogates respect each other, resulting in the building of a family and a long-term friendship between both parties.

Yes, it is true that not all journeys end with "sunshine and roses" between the surrogate and intended parents. However the reality is that these journeys are in the minority, especially in cases where both the intended parents and surrogates are well-educated about the surrogacy process and didn't just "jump" into their journeys with little understanding of what it actually involved.

The media has a tendency to portray surrogacy in this very lopsided fashion. The NYT even did so with Kuczynski's piece about her journey. With the overabundance of such skewed media about surrogacy, the idea that surrogacy is some sordid oddity which particular stereotypes play the roles of "surrogate" and "intended mother" is further perpetuated, to such an extent that ordinary people who are *not* in any way involved in surrogacy just can't wrap their heads around it being what it is - people bringing a new life into the world through their cooperative efforts.

With all due respect, even you seem to have been lulled into believing these stereotypes, and only because you've read articles such as the ones mentioned and others like it:

"I fear that the women who become surrogates—who are often less educated than the women paying for the womb space—and have bad experiences are not being given enough of a voice."

"Often less educated" -- it might surprise you to hear that my intended mother was a former high school drop out who later went on to get her GED and that is her highest educational level, while I, the surrogate, hold two graduate degrees. There are many others like me who are educated career women. Statements like the one I quoted above help purport the misconception that most surrogates are uneducated women who are too stupid to understand the gravity of what they are doing, and also pokes a shot at intended parents being "smarter" and more intelligent than their surrogate counterparts. The movie "Baby Mama" is NOT a realistic surrogacy scenario; do not fall under the assumption that most surrogates are uneducated ditzes.

You are right - surrogates and intended parents who've had bad surrogacy experiences haven't been given a very wide voice, but neither have those of us who've had "rosy" journeys, either. There are stories all over about surrogacy journeys gone wrong. With all of the negative connotation the media directs at surrogacy already, most surrogates and intended parents were actually for once quite pleased that there was finally an article published that didn't lean too heavily on the potential negative aspects. For us, it was something of a breath of fresh air.

Infertility in the press

By: akgirl | Tue, 07/21/2009 - 14:34

I do agree that DoubleX should discuss infertility as an issue facing modern women, but I disagree that it gets little coverage in the press. I read so much about infertility, the measures (basic to extreme) that women and couples undergo to be able to have children that I was very nervous and assumed that my husband and I would not be able to have a child when we started to try. I was so convinced because of the prevalence of infertility narratives that I didn't believe it when I became pregnant the first time we tried. Then I spent a lot of time feeling guilty about how *easy* it had seemed. DoubleX, like all media outlets, needs to pay attention to the full gamut of reproductive issues from prevention to healthy pregnancy to infertility and the attendant struggles, triumphs, legislation and all else that accompanies each of these.

I agree . . . .

By: Meredyth | Tue, 07/21/2009 - 13:17

First, my intuition is that Jessica is right that it cannot be all sunshine and roses in the land of surrogacy. Nothing is ever that simple or easy. Second, I also whole heartedly agree with the request that Double X cover infertility issues. This is a huge issue for modern women and it is getting relatively little press. There are many interesting topics to develop: surrogacy, egg and sperm donation, IVF, embryo adoption, effect of fertility drugs on women short term/long term, affect of infertility on marriages, the adoption option, foreign adoption . . . . If this is a blog/website/news source about women's issues, here is one hot 21st century women's issue waiting to be discussed.

So have you had a bad experience or something?

By: arkb | Tue, 07/21/2009 - 11:15

I won't deny that negative experiences happen with surrogacy, but you have nothing behind your claim here other than an assumption. I'm an infertile person and have many friends that have used surrogates or are surrogates and haven't seen the sentiment you express.

And as a note about doublex, I am continually disappointed that it does not address infertility issues (other than the sensational ones) even though this is a very common experience for so many woman, but there are plenty of articles related to parenting. It's a huge oversight. If you want to read about infertility from an informed source, I suggest readers visit Stirrup Queens (http://stirrup-queens.blogspot.com/) and take some time to learn about the real issues and browse over to the blogroll and actually read some of the surrogacy blogs.