The Mean Girls Stand Out

Vanessa, I agree that we don't gain much by adding the office bitch stereotype to the working woman's repertoire. And like you and lawyer-mom, one of our first commenters, who writes astutely about her bullying female boss, I also have a story of an older and more experienced woman who put me down rather than pulled me up. I wonder, though, if we notice these failings more in a women boss or professor or superior more than we do in men. Do we call out the women we look up to because we expect more from them, and then nurse our justifiable grievances, when they turn on us, with especial vigor? I tell my female bullying story more often than I tell one of the many I have about a male former boss, now that I think about it.

Also, even if women bully women more often than they bully men, as the survey stats that Meghan started us out with showed, they're still less likely to bully than men are. If 40 percent of office bullies are women, than 60 percent are men. I suppose women could still be disproportionateloy represented in the bullying ranks since they probably don't comprise 40 percent of bosses and supervisors. But I still wonder if we're extra preoccupied by our disappointment in them.

Tags: bullies, work, workplace

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Emily Bazelon is a founding editor of Double X, and a writer and editor at Slate.

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Conversely, when an older

By: dundonjustin | Sat, 08/29/2009 - 00:01

Conversely, when an older male law firm partner respects a female associate's family responsibilities, you might appreciate it more, since he is unlikely to have had a first-hand experience in balancing a career and family.

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I do think we are "extra

By: abby | Thu, 05/14/2009 - 17:46

I do think we are "extra preoccupied by our disappointment" in the female bullies. It’s a double whammy of dashed expectations: we assumed they were role models (especially on the working woman or working mom front) and hoped they’d be mentors too. When they bully, they become neither, and that’s a loss. I also share the suspicion that the women-bullying numbers are inflated or over-reported in the same way the polls about women judges are infected by a pattern of bias, as discussed in Emily's recent “Bitch defense” post on XX factor. Remember the now-widely reported anonymous statement that Sonia Sotomayor is "not that smart, and kind of a bully?"

who bullies more

By: lawyer-mom | Thu, 05/14/2009 - 14:39

Emily, I appreciate your point that there are probably more male bullies than female ones, and that we may be harder on women for bullying than on men. But, having heard stories of sexual harassment in the financial industry and billable hours pressure in the legal profession, we expect bullying from the men and support from the women. It is rational to expect someone who is or was in your shoes (i.e., a new mother returning to her career, or a new mother starting a new career) to understand what you're going through and give you support. When that person turns out to be a bully, it is unexpected and stings much more. Conversely, when an older male law firm partner respects a female associate's family responsibilities, you might appreciate it more, since he is unlikely to have had a first-hand experience in balancing a career and family.

I don't know if it is that we

By: Ophelia | Thu, 05/14/2009 - 12:49

I don't know if it is that we are "extra preoccupied by our disappointment in them" or if it's that we, as women, expect women in positions of power (women in general really) to be supportive of other women and to do what they can to help other women attain the level of success they themselves have achieved.

For all of the "bullying" that men do to other men, when it comes down to it they still look out for each other, which is something many women do not do.

Personally, I have been fortunate enough to have had female bosses who were extremely supportive and encouraging and who viewed themselves as mentors.

I guess if we expect so much from other women then that would in turn make us "extra preoccupied by our disappointment" because, like you said, we expect so much more from them than from men...

And, Emily, it seems to me

By: P.Soul | Thu, 05/14/2009 - 11:07

And, Emily, it seems to me that even if women are bullying in large enough numbers to justify calling it a statistical trend, can you blame them? Men bully and belittle each other constantly; it's called "paying your dues" in some circles. The problem, it seems to me, is that this is what's identified as "how to get ahead in business," i.e. by stepping on others. That, to me, is a norm set up by men to benefit other men, and we would do well not to emulate it, but the only thing female workplace bullies show is that that norm is so pervasive that even those systemically disadvantaged by it can internalize it.