XX Factor: the blog

Is It Abnormal Not To Kvetch?

Nadja Spiegelman at the Forward women’s page says that this non-complaining project Jessica and I have launched this week is not really normal, or healthy. She knows because she tried it herself. Spiegelman got herself a job at a camp for disabled kids, where infrequent smoke breaks involved gossiping and bitching about fellow counselors and campers. Only she didn’t participate. She just smoked silently. Consequently, everyone thought she was totally weird and unfriendly. I would say the problem there is obvious: Jews are not supposed to camp. Cold nights and plastic mattresses are a recipe for semitic disaster.

Otherwise, I know what she means. Just after we got married, my husband’s family set up a hiking and walking trip. I got through it—I would say I even loved it—but only because I complained endlessly, rudely. During this month of non-complaining, my hardest moments so far have been when friends come over, especially friends I haven’t seen in a while. Normally, I would reconnect by doing a kind of complaint performance, where I annotate the updates with sardonic asides. Without it, I’m kind of stuck. What are we supposed to talk about? The unseasonably warm weather?

That said, I know this is a problem Jews are supposed to solve, only because I have sat through many a Yom Kippur service and said the “Ashamnu” prayer many times. If you’ll notice, half of the sins we confess to are synonyms for gossip.

We have become guilty, we have betrayed, we have robbed, we have spoken slander.

We have caused perversion, we have caused wickedness, we have sinned willfully, we have extorted, we have accused falsely.

We have given evil counsel, we have been deceitful, we have scorned, we have rebelled, we have provoked, we have turned away, we have been perverse, we have acted wantonly, we have persecuted, we have been obstinate.

We have been wicked, we have corrupted, we have been abominable, you have let us go astray.

Tags: Non-complaint, whiner's guide to non complaining

Hanna Rosin Double X co- editor, reporter, prefer my friends live.

Comments

Constructive complaining

By: Hanna Rosin | Fri, 10/23/2009 - 10:07

Thanks to all of you here who are helping me draw this fine line. Nashvillekvetch - I'm pondering that complaining to the boss/bitching to the colleague distinction. I still think it needs a bit of refining, however. What's the point of complaining to the boss. Why not use the "explaint" - a term I define on our facebook page. Explain a negative thing, but don't complain about it. And brochman - the gossip vs. complaint distinction also intriguing. I like the idea that gossip builds community, whereas complaining just indulges yourself. Will think about that more.

I kind of think my username

By: nashvillekvetch | Fri, 10/23/2009 - 01:41

I kind of think my username says it all. I'm a kvetcher by nature. I actually think there's an art to complaining well.

But I think there is a difference between complaining and bitching. Bitching just allows you to get something off your chest, complaining implies you seek a resolution.

For example, I complain to my boss about a team member who is chronically late to work and takes long lunches with no consequences, but I then bitch to my colleague in another department when my boss refuses to do anything about the aforementioned tardy colleague.

If I were banned from doing either, I might explode.

I can't hike with the children

By: _Nancy_ | Thu, 10/22/2009 - 23:09

because of the stream of profanities issuing from my lips. Come to think of it, I don't really kvetch much. I just scream obscenities at wild life.

Not to kvetch but...

By: nspiegelman | Thu, 10/22/2009 - 17:56

the link to my blogpost is broken. (my blogpost is here! http://blogs.forward.com/sisterhood-blog/117320/) In all other respects, thank you so much for your smart funny response. I hope your kvetchless week brings you more thought provoking insights, if not even, gasp, happiness.

-nadja spiegelman

Complaining :)

By: jennies1897 | Thu, 10/22/2009 - 15:32

I don't usually complain. If I do, I use it constructively or I have some sort of a solution. Socially, I have developed a habit of complaining just to join the crowd and not seem weird but to me it's misrepresenting myself and who I am.

Haven't you seen "Wet Hot American Summer"?

By: Samantha Henig | Thu, 10/22/2009 - 14:35

Summer camps are made for Jews!

Is Gossiping the Same Thing As Complaining? I Think Not.

By: brochman | Thu, 10/22/2009 - 14:21

Hanna, I laughed out loud when I read your conclusion that Jews have no place camping. And I find your analysis of "Ashamnu" intriguing. Aside from Yom Kippur, Jews -- observant ones, at least -- are supposed to abstain from "lashon ha'ra" -- evil language, or, in essence, gossip. Me, I guess I'm not observant, though I do try to steer clear of malicious gossip. While I think there's a significant difference between gossiping and complaining, especially as it relates to your anti-kvetch pledge, there's also a unifying thread, and that's the bonding factor inherent in both. Provided there's no ill intent, some juicy gossip or a complaint that resonates with what others are experiencing can build community.