I'd Much Rather Talk Sex Than Race With My Kids (But I'm Trying to Change)

I've got no problem talking to my kids about sex. Race is a different story. Like so many (white) parents, I thought not talking about it was the best way to make race a nonissue, but a new book—and news items from Skip Gates to Serena Williams to Joe Wilson—says I was wrong. Race—and all the issues encompassed in that one tine word, from equality to prejudice to culture and history—should be tackled head-on—but how?

Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman's Nurture Shock (a highly readable Malcolm Gladwell-esque look at the social science of childrearing) includes a chapter on talking with kids about race that reaches the seemingly inescapable (if probably slightly facile) conclusion that not talking about race doesn't teach our kids that it's not important. It teaches them that we don't want to talk about it. Meanwhile, they're drawing their own conclusions.

At the same time, race is becoming an increasingly more visible part of our national conversation. James Carroll pulls current events together in an essay in The Daily Beast to argue that "America's New Racial Reality" has freed prominent blacks from what he calls their old "contract with America"—one that forbade any open display of anger. Carroll considers the events and arguments surrounding Gates, Serena Williams, and the response to Joe Wilson evidence of a new freedom to react to the racism that still lurks in the "shadowy corners" of the country. I'm not sure I fully agree (at least about Serena Williams), but I do agree that both blacks—and whites—seem to feel more free to talk about race, or at least to attempt it, than we have in a long time. For blacks to be silent out of a fear of seeming (justifiably) angry, and whites to be silent out of a fear of saying or doing the wrong thing, strikes me as every bit as ridiculous as my belief that not talking about race at home would somehow make the issue go away. It's not going to work—not on the playground, and not in the Senate chambers, either.

The truth is, I'd still like to "wait for an opportunity" to talk about race with my kids. A bald, random announcement seems artificial, and like putting too much weight on something I don't want to have much weight for them at all. But I suspect that even if we're not talking about it, they're thinking about it—and if they're thinking, we should be talking. My oldest kid is 8, and ready to talk about his (only!) black classmate, or why some people think the president can't be a good president just because his skin is black. My three youngest probably still need an explanation of why people with brown skin are called black, except when they're called Asian, or Latino, or something else. And they all need to hear, from us, that some people may expect their extraordinarily athletic sister to be a brainy mathlete just because she's Chinese, and that plenty of people will assume she's not their sister.

I can start simple, but if we do it right, the conversation won't stay simple. "We're all the same on the inside" isn't enough. The experience of being of a different race in this country can create its own differences, and I have no idea—yet—how to talk about that. But if I can have endless conversations with my preschoolers about what a tampon is, and what I'm doing with it (and would they please get out of the bathroom now), I'll eventually come up with a way to talk about this, too.

Tags: James Carroll, Serena Williams, skip gates, talking about race

KJ Dell'Antonia Former Manhattan lawyer and prosecutor, Xxtra Small reviewer, parent of four. Lover of books and bacon.

Comments

Talk the talk before you talk to your kids

By: onze | Tue, 09/22/2009 - 20:00

To build on gemi's remarks, it's important for you to understand the issues of race before you try to explain them to your kids. Perhaps you are reluctant to open this conversation because you realize you don't have a grasp of it yourself.

When you love someone of a different race -- be that a friend, family member, or lover -- and hear this person tell his or her experiences with race, you will have a completely different perspective. You will begin to understand how big this issue is, and you will be compelled to take it on.

In the meantime, I recommend you read White Like Me by Tim Wise. And if you can find it, watch the documentary, The Color of Fear.

Whatever you do, don't neglect a discussion about race

By: huckster22793 | Mon, 09/21/2009 - 21:45

I'm an African American woman. There is a lady in my building who has a small child around 3 or 4. This child is actually TERRIFIED of black people. I'm not kidding. Whenever he sees one, he runs away screaming in a fit of tears. I've never seen such a thing. It's ridiculous. I feel bad for the mother, because she is rightfully mortified by this behavior, but it is nevertheless offensive (even if he's just a little kid.)

I'm sure that's an extreme case and your children aren't INSANE, but still. Who knows what ideas kids conjure up if they're not taught otherwise?

Thanks to Michigan28

By: KJ Dell Antonia | Mon, 09/21/2009 - 21:44

You did a better job than I did of explaining what Bronson and Merryman (and I) were getting at--that actions apparently don't speak louder than words in this case. It's not enough to be in a "diverse environment." We also need to be talking about race, often enough that when it really comes up it's not a new conversation.

Samantha, most of the picture books about race tend to take an "I Like Myself!" approach and remind kids that it's ok to be different in a very pc way. Probably the best books are those like Everywhere Babies which just show a remarkably (and, in this case, delightfully) diverse society. Looking at the book isn't enough, of course, but you're right that it would be a great way to start talking (and probably a better one than by pointing at our friends and neighbors in the grocery store!)

I guess I just don't get

By: geml | Mon, 09/21/2009 - 19:53

I guess I just don't get this. It's been my experience that if you interact with people of all races on a regular basis, subjects such a race, prejudice and bigotry come up naturally and with (unfortunate) regularity. You don't need to "wait for an opportunity" - an actual event will take place right in front of your child's eyes and will make all the bigger impression for having happened to a friend, family member or neighbor.

words matter too

By: michigan28 | Mon, 09/21/2009 - 19:21

I believe the point of the Bronson/Merryman argument is that actions and setting a good example (interacting across race and/or putting your kids in environments where they interact with people of other races) are important, but are not enough in helping kids understand how race affects people's lives. Of course, words are empty without actions. Still, by not talking about race, kids get the idea that it's a taboo issue. (leading to issues down the line when kids can't grasp that people are still discriminated against in 21st century america) Actions and examples are important, but they need words to help them make sense of what's going on around them. There's a nice excerpt of the social psychology research in Bronson/Merryman's book in a recent Newsweek cover story ("are babies racist?" or some other catchy title).

garden path headline

By: closetpuritan | Mon, 09/21/2009 - 16:37

I honestly thought at first that it meant the author would rather swap steamy stories than run races with her kids, and it would be some sort of Ayelet Waldman-style confession.

Actions louder than words

By: Kapt Z | Mon, 09/21/2009 - 16:22

My folks were people of few words but plenty of action. They never spoke the words "I love you" to eachother or us, but we never doubted for a minute that they did. They never had discussions about how to treat girlfriends/wives, but they didn't need to. I saw how they treated each other. They never talked to us about race. They didn't need to. They taught us how to treat everyone decently and with respect by treating everyone decently and with respect.

I'm sure that when my children ask me about sex, race etc. I'll be straight with them, but I'll remember that they learn more from watching the 'old man'. "What would Mama and Dada do?".

Starting when they are young

By: geml | Mon, 09/21/2009 - 11:59

The best thing I can think of to start the conversation is actually interacting with people of other races from their youngest ages. If children see their parents with African-American friends, colleagues, family, etc, then when the opportunities arise in a bigger way, the discussion isn't about "race" but about people. Concrete is always better than abstract for younger people.

(And I'm sorry, but my family is from WV, one of the least diverse states in the country, so if my (white) parents could make sure this happen for us as children, I'm sure it can be done anywhere.)

the beauty of children's books

By: Samantha Henig | Mon, 09/21/2009 - 11:56

There are so many children's books that deal with race. That seems like a great way to start the conversation. That way, you're sort of putting the topic out there, but you can let them ask the initial questions -- which, unless kids have become a whole lot less inquisitive since my babysitting days, they certainly will. Have you come across any great kids books that deal with race in your XXtra Small reviewing?