Hey, That's Not the Kid I Ordered!

A little disappointment is inherent in parenting. Suzie doesn't inherit her hockey-forward mom's stick skills; Johnny lacks Dad's engineering bent. But a few women (and they all seem to be women) are disappointed enough that Johnny isn't Suzie to spend thousands of dollars and endure IVF, abortions, and even a divorce to produce the little girl of their dreams (who, I suspect, had better damn well like pink).

Journalist Ruth Shalit Barrett delved deep into the world of what some call "gender disappointment" and others call (in slightly different words) reproductive Veruca Salt syndrome. Amidst all the advice on how to make your vagina an X-sperm-friendly habitat or find a fertility clinic offering sex-specific IVF (a process that's prohibited in both China and India, where there are strong cultural preferences for boys), she found something else: women who were willing to tell the readers of Elle exactly how disappointed they were with their little boys.

I considered abortion when I found out it was a boy, several say. I was "gutted." "I was mourning a death." When one woman gave birth to two boys instead of the expected boy/girl pair, she "felt like a funeral should be held."

A lot has been said lately about the ethics of writing about the parenting experience. Should we detail our worst days as mothers? Blog about the trials of potty training? Profit from the material provided by our child's autism or marijuana addiction, or claim to love our husband more than our kids? As someone who's blogged honestly—and sometimes too honestly—about my difficulty bonding with my adopted daughter, I wrestle with these issues regularly. I am all for talking about difficult experiences in the hope of reaching out to others who have felt, or are feeling, the same way. But there's one line I've never crossed—one thing I think you should absolutely never say to or about your child: I didn't want you. I wanted somebody else.

Tags: elle, gender disappointment, parenting, ruth shalit barrett

KJ Dell'Antonia Former Manhattan lawyer and prosecutor, Xxtra Small reviewer, parent of four. Lover of books and bacon.

Comments

These women are aweful. What

By: phpeter | Fri, 10/16/2009 - 08:39

These women are aweful. What is most suprising is that some of these husbands just go along with the craziness. Call me what you will, but I would never follow or allow our marraige to go down this path, it just wouldn't happen. It would be just as crazy if I wanted to do this so I could have a son to play football, work with me in the garage, go fishing with...these are unreasonable dreams. I am dumbfounded that many of these experts don't even link these unrealistic dreams these want-to-be mothers have with the relationship they have/had with thier own Mother. If they had a healthy relationship, one built on relations rather than tea parties, maybe they would feel more confident in their own lives. Lastly, I have a girl and a boy. The father daughter relationship is special, but so to is the mother son...it is suprising that some mothers would want to trade this. The mother/son bond is pretty cool and not something to be taken for granted. When a write blogs about not wanting that or being flip about it, she is taking it for granted.

evil disgusting selfish hags.

By: t4nj | Thu, 10/15/2009 - 21:30

it's one thing to be disappointed. quite another to not want your little boy to the degree expressed. if you're so obsessed, make d*mn sure each & every pregnancy is IVF.

Yikes. Sperm sorting? Lime

By: buggie | Thu, 10/15/2009 - 19:48

Yikes. Sperm sorting? Lime soaked tampons? Whatever happened to having sex and nine months later just being happy it has 10 fingers and 10 toes?

I almost feel better that these women DON'T have daughters. Hopefully they won't force pink dresses onto their boys. Although they have shown parents on Toddlers in Tiaras who wanted girls so bad that they entered their sons in beauty pageants...

Appalling

By: Kit-Kat | Thu, 10/15/2009 - 16:51

I don't think there's a problem per se with writing about the difficulties of parenting--even when you love your children very much, there are still times you don't like them all that much, there are struggles to understand them, discipline them, communicate with them, teach them, etc., and a good writer can illuminate some of these struggles with insight and compassion. But announcing that you didn't want *this* child because it was the wrong sex, or that your child failed you by not being a certain sex, is simply appalling.

I read the original article, and I could not believe how these women were talking about their babies. Some sounded like a baby was an accessory--girls are more fun to dress up, "It’s almost like, to fit in, you need to have one," "Taking her to ballet class. Painting her nails with pastel glitter. It will make me feel complete, without a doubt."

Not only is this totally selfish, but even having a girl might not make them happy. What if your girl doesn't like pink, or want to be a ballerina? "I’ve tried not to take it out on them, but there have been pangs of anger, of disappointment, pangs of, I went through all this, and now you’re not cooperating? Didn’t you read the instruction booklet on how to be a daughter? If a dream is held that long, then you better believe it becomes a well-crafted dream."

A terrible burden on a little boy, to know that his mother loves him less than if he were a girl, but also on a little girl, who has so much weight of expectation piled on her to fulfill her mother's dream of having a daughter. People may have all kinds of feelings about their children, and certainly a woman might wish for a girl or a boy, but publicizing the sentiment that your child is a disappointment to you by virtue of their sex seems cruel and unfeeling.