Getting Rid of Your "Gay Boyfriend"

Amelie Gillette, the brilliantly crabby woman behind the Onion A.V. Club column The Hater, has pointed out one of the scourges of the Bravo network: the repeated use of the completely insulting term, "gay boyfriend." Gillette has started a Hater podcast, and on her first cast she calls the Real Housewives franchise out on their mostly demeaning treatment of their close gay friends. (The Housewives are a pet peeve of Gillette's—she talks about them in her third podcast, too.) Referring to your gay friends as "my gays" makes them sound like trinkets, or as Gillette puts it, "They're just like those little chihuahuas that are carried around in a bag." This is not merely a Housewifely affectation—I've heard many a non-botoxed pedestrian refer to their gay boyfriends, and the Housewives' fellow Bravo star Kathy Griffin can't get enough of the term. Though for most people, it's not meant to be cruel or discriminatory, at this point it's not just insulting ... it's also uninspired. Do you really want to be unironically sharing terminology with a group of women who spend 50 percent of their time talking about their bubbies?

Photograph by Getty Images.

Tags: amelie gillette, Bravo, gay boyfriend, the real housewives

Jessica Grose is the managing editor of Double X and the co-author of Love, Mom: Poignant, Goofy, Brilliant Messages from Home. Click here to follow her on Twitter.

Comments

Sorry for the derail...

By: SeattleBrian | Tue, 07/07/2009 - 17:18

Carol,

I think you ask some very pertinent questions. Unfortunately, I don't have any real answers for you. Historically, as you know, society was heteronormative (and still is to some degree - but that's a topic for an another time) and our language has evolved to reflect this.

Consequently, with the increased awareness and acceptance of the LGBT community, we find ourselves in a strange position where our vocabulary is either hopelessly antiquated, offensive, or awkward.

Personally, I dislike being identified solely by my sexuality. My life is not defined entirely by whom I take to bed. Naturally, there are times when some classification is necessary and the term 'gay men' is better than most. However, unless there's some urgent need to classify someone, why use a label? Are we not all (to borrow from e. e. cummings) human merely being? Rhetorical questions aside, my suggestion is to ask your friends what they prefer to be called if you have any doubts.

One day, perhaps, we, as a society, will overcome this inordinate need to classify people based on their sexuality, but chances are it'll be long after my time.

thanks for your input, Brian! :)

By: Caerolle | Tue, 07/07/2009 - 12:15

Brian, thanks so much for responding! :)
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As I said, i dont like the term, and wouldnt use it for many reasons, general and specific. In general, i really liked the thing i was made aware of in a social work class about 'putting ppl first'—instead of saying 'gays,' i use the term 'gay guys.' Please let me know how you feel about that, kk? (You guys dont have nice term like lesbians that i know of, which includes sexual orientation and gender all in one!)Specifically, i wouldnt use the term 'my gay' b/c i really *dont* know how gay guys i know would feel about it, and to say 'my gay' *is* pretty dehumanizing.
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It is really great to hear from someone who can relate to the 'label' about how it makes them feel.
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Thanks!
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Carol :)

Aggravating isn't the word.

By: SeattleBrian | Tue, 07/07/2009 - 11:43

Frankly, as a gay man, I find the term less than endearing. From my perspective, it would appear that we've become some sort of fashion accessory. While I'm certain that it's an attempt to underscore the user's open-mindedness and acceptance of gay men and women, it overly emphasizes our sexuality. I don't refer to my heterosexual friends as my straight friends. They're simply my friends.

might this be a bit more complicated?

By: Caerolle | Tue, 07/07/2009 - 11:12

I am not so fond of that term either, and would never use it, but it does seem to be accepted by some gay ppl as a term of endearment or affectionate possession. In particulae, a lesbian site i frequent has a regular column called 'Gossip Girl and Her Gay," and the guy is her buddy and willingly participates. I would hope that if he objected to the term, he'd ask them to call it something else--this is a pretty sensitive site that covers a lot of issues, and is very accepting of many different types of ppl.
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I really dont know how gay guys feel about this, as i am not around them very much, but i wonder if perhaps someone should ask some of *them* about the term, rather than just making assumptions on their behalf?
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Carol