Gen Y Men Not as Commitment-Shy as "Marie Claire" Thinks

Via Tressugar, Marie Claire has a trend piece about how men in their 20s and 30s are afraid to commit to their go-getter, type-A girlfriends and wives. Superficially, this observation is not incorrect. The male mid-life crisis is not a new thing, as the article's author, Lauren Iannotti, points out with references to Mad Men and Revolutionary Road. Iannotti gets some of the root causes of the generational commitment phobia right, saying "These guys are part of a cause-less generation. They didn't grow up burning their draft cards or fighting the Nazis ... They were spoiled as kids and now they want to spoil themselves as adults. The old cliché was that a man would wake up one morning and realize that he wanted his youth back. The new version is that he never reached adulthood in the first place."

Certainly it is difficult for modern men to achieve adulthood when the script for adulthood is unwritten: With the recession in full swing, many don't even have the job security that would make them feel like real grown-ups. But Iannotti gets it wrong when she says that Gen Y men want to be selfish adolescents for the rest of their lives. "This crew feels entitled to fun; sacrifice is not in their vocab," she writes. That hasn't been my observation at all. I think men in their 20s are desperate to grow up, to feel like men—they just have no idea how to accomplish this. They're not intimidated by strong, successful women; they just want to be confident in their own lives and careers, too.

Iannotti also sets up successful wives and girlfriends as a stereotypical foil to these slacker guys, and it does women a real disservice. She finds the most obnoxious ladies around, like Dana, 30, who is the head of global marketing for a cosmetics company, and offers them up as if they were representative of many young women. Dana is married to an engineer—someone who sounds like neither a commitment-phobe nor a slacker. Dana says, "I have specific goals ... My husband's are more general. I'll say, 'We should buy a place in the suburbs within the next two years.' And he'll say, 'Let's take it as it comes.' That's when I freak out and start yelling, 'But what's the three-year plan?!' " Telling a woman like Dana to calm the hell down should not be construed as commitment phobia. It should be construed as good partnership.

Tags: commitment phobia, gen y male commitment, marie claire, tressugar

Jessica Grose is the managing editor of Double X and the co-author of Love, Mom: Poignant, Goofy, Brilliant Messages from Home. Click here to follow her on Twitter.

Comments

Expectations

By: Lauren Bans | Fri, 11/13/2009 - 11:04

My problem with the Marie Claire article wasn't just that the male midlife crisis trend seemed bogus, but that the piece assumes that all successful women are on some sort of rigid timeline and unquestionably want the same things. I know many females who are just as unsure about "growing up" if we're defining growing up as pumping out kids and buying a house in the suburbs. Most everyone I know, male and female, single or in committed relationships, would rather spend their money on hiking Mt. Kilimanjaro and a new iPhone, not because we're all having midlife crises, but because those things are fun.

A good observation

By: taidan | Fri, 11/13/2009 - 10:03

This was a great blog post. As one of those young adult males (and an engineer too), I can attest to a lot of what was said here. If a lot of guys feel confused about their place in the world, things such as the Marie Claire article are part of the reason. We are told we are afraid to commit, but some of us see it as doing the same as many of our female peers - focusing on our careers and supporting ourselves.

And I don't think every guys in this generation is intimidated by a successful woman. We grew up in an environment where boys and girls both excelled in school, in a lot of subjects, and we see each other each day at work. There are lots of other factors that can contribute to a relationship (or lack thereof).

Lastly, while some Gen Y'ers are relatively more spoiled, they aren't all stupid. Lots of us see that we live in an uncertain world. Young men and women do not have to jump into marriage or a family right away, so they don't. That way they can try and set up something of a foundation, so that when they are ready for commitment, they are more responsible and financially prepared.

No.

By: lorikay4 | Fri, 11/13/2009 - 06:52

I didn't read your angry little screed, I didn't have to. I don't spend my time ingesting 'information' from someone who feels compelled to heave filthy insults at me for no particular reason. The cover and title were plenty.

one good reason to totally ignore ashg451

By: lorikay4 | Thu, 11/12/2009 - 18:26

The cover of this pig's so-called book includes, as cover art, words like 'cunt'. So, the nicest thing he is likely to get on this site is ignored.

I love those zero sum thinkers who have decided that if women want more freedom generally, that it can only be happening at the expense of the freedom of men. Brilliant.

As for the article and the trend, I think it is probably bogus, and if there's any reality to it at all, it comes from economic uncertainty. Men (in my anecdotal experience) are far more resistant to making ANY part of their lives permanent before they feel like they have a grownup reliable job. Which this economy is making more scarce by the day. On that basis, it's a wonder anyone is getting married.

jennie-claire, they are relevant in the grand context

By: ashg451 | Thu, 11/12/2009 - 15:41

jennie-claire, you fail to understand that feminism delusionally informs us what men are thinking when in actuality, it CENSORS what men are really thinking. so these comments are very relevant. how can you ever get the opinion of a real man when you are too busy trying to censor whatever exposes your silly hypocrisy?

this is the running theme of feminism. and this is why they always fail to get to the root cause of any issue. they fail the all-important test of critical scrutiny. feminists are intellectual cowards which is why women will never really understand men. they don't have the balls (literal or proverbial) to face the truth. this is why stupid women constantly write about men being commitment-phobes, etc. and this is also why the book "he's just not that into you" was written. men have been saying that all along, but it finally took some goofy mainstream publication to announce the obvious truth that women had delusionally avoided like the plague: HE. DOESN'T. WANT. YOU. you are a just a sperm receptacle in many cases. but women try to rationalize their failures with men to avoid facing the real truth.

this is the default theme of feminism: demonize men, run like cowards from the truth, write dumbfuck articles asking ridiculous questions that have already been answered by men: http://www.scribd.com/doc/21733512/Principles-101

ashg451, I don't see how your

By: jennie-claire | Thu, 11/12/2009 - 15:02

ashg451, I don't see how your comments are even relevant to the above post.

However, I do agree with Ms. Grose that there are plenty of 20- and 30-something men out there who are NOT afraid of commitment or responsibility, who are NOT slackers, who do hold responsible jobs and are similarly as accomplished as their wives or partners. My husband is one shining example, but most of the young men I know are like this--married or in serious relationships, and moving ahead in their careers. It's unfair to lump together a whole generation based on the behavior of a few slackers who don't want to grow up. There have always been some men who are commitment-phobic, and I'm not sure it's got much to do with the women being more accomplished/ambitious than their partners. Furthermore, I disagree with the premise that women of our generation are, in general, more competent, accomplished, and responsible than men the same age. This is an idea that's been popping up a lot lately in the popular press, i.e. the "overfunctioning wife". I don't think it's true, just another "trend" created by the media.