A Female Happiness Strategy
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This week on the DoubleX gabfest, Hanna, Margaret Talbot, and I talked about the studies showing that female happiness among secular, educated women has declined since the advent of feminism. Hanna mentioned an experiment she and Jess are embarking on. It's simple but radical: They're not complaining. And they're tracking whether that makes them happier. More on that from them soon. In the meantime, a listener wrote in with another strategy:
The suggestion about going a week/month/season without complaining reminded me of something I did several years ago and I think it contributed a great deal to how happy I am now (and I wish I'd been part of that study because I would hope I could have upped the average happiness of the non-"born again," professional woman). My law school roommate (also a woman) noticed that I was way too critical of myself and suggested I give it up. It sounded silly at the time, but I did start to take notice of each time I was telling myself I wasn't smart enough or didn't talk enough in class or wasn't thin enough, etc. (I'm not a mom, but I suppose it could work for any "I'm not a good mother" thoughts, too.) And bit by bit, I stopped saying those things aloud, and then stopped even thinking them. Or maybe that just happens to all women over 30? But given the number of older, anorexic women I see around, I suspect it's not a given.
Who's got another strategy?
Emily Bazelon is a founding editor of Double X, and a writer and editor at Slate.
Comments
Complaining
By: Vville222 | Tue, 09/29/2009 - 19:13
First off, the no-complaining campaign already has a logo. It's the No Whining sign, seen here: http://store.funnytimes.com/merchant2/graphics/00000002/Nowhining.jpg
Second, I'm all down with getting rid of petty complaints, but what about the fury I feel over rejection of the public option by the finance committee? Or the people who are rationalizing letting Polanski go? Can we exempt righteous indignation?
last week's gabfest
By: Andy M | Mon, 09/28/2009 - 12:50
Thank you for your thoughtful discussion of "grey-rape." As a man, I have experienced what I would call "grey-rape" and I want to echo Emily's comments. We should work individually to not put yourselves in these situations; since my "grey-rape," I have striven to not put myself in that situation again and have bettered myself in the process.
Gratitude
By: dcreader | Mon, 09/28/2009 - 11:32
In line with not being critical of yourself, when other people say nice things to/about you, make the effort to just say "thank you" without dismissing the compliment. For example, if someone likes your shirt, don't tell them that you've had it for years, or try to find something about them to "return" the compliment. Just say "thanks."
I find it interesting that
By: you know it is | Fri, 09/25/2009 - 21:06
I find it interesting that from this post and Kerry's we can distill the following advice to women on how to be happy: "stop complaining and get some breast implants".
The obligatory tongue-in-cheek comment would be to the effect that this is what men have been saying all along... (although note the comments on Kerry's piece to the effect that not all men are fans of breast implants).
More seriously, the tactic of stopping automatic self-critical thoughts is one element in cognitive-behavioural therapy for depression. For example, the CBT-for-depression book Feeling Good by David Burns has a chapter on how to "silence the inner critic" with various practical suggestions. One suggestion, for example, is to buy a hand-held counter and click it every time you notice a self-critical thought passing through your mind, and to log the daily counts. There are others, such as writing down and analyzing and responding to negative thoughts. These methods are intended for people suffering from clinical depression, but in my decidedly non-expert and purely speculative musings, I don't see any reason why they might not be useful for other people too.
Get born again!
By: kurtmiller63 | Fri, 09/25/2009 - 16:39
Jesus said He will give us peace. Not as the world gives it but only as God can give it. Believe in Jesus. he died on the cross and rose from the dead. If you belive it then callon the name of Jesus and he will show you true inner contentment and joy. This is God's only provision for the forgiveness of our sins; His son Jesus Christ.
No one will be happy who seeks their own happiness. That is a concrete rule. If you try for happiness you will always fail. seek what makes God happy. Believing in His son is what make Him happy.
Love the Double X even though I am a man. Keep up the interesting articles. Slate rules!
Stop Buying Stuff
By: YounHee | Fri, 09/25/2009 - 12:50
Buying things takes a lot of time, energy, and money. It also creates a false sense of need which is never met, because there is always more to buy. I find that living simply highlights the many joys of life that don't involve buying buying buying. This may not be a great strategy for building the economy, but could be for building a more contented (and possibly happier) life.
Keep a gratitude journal!
By: blue lucia | Fri, 09/25/2009 - 12:03
We often think of "giving thanks" as something religious people do. And certainly it is an integral part of many faith traditions -- but secular folks can give thanks, too.
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Keeping a daily gratitude journal, jotting down 3-5 things each day for which you are grateful, is a proven strategy for improving your general level of happiness and satisfaction with your life. You don't have to give thanks to God, if that's not your thing. It is okay to just ... be thankful. Appreciate what you have. Notice purposefully that there are things in your life that give you joy.
Being grateful
By: Bo | Fri, 09/25/2009 - 11:22
Not complaining is a good start, but actually taking 10 minutes to think of all the good things that happened to you during the day is better. David K. Reynold's book, Constructive Living, has some other good exercises that will grow happiness.