The Dating Secrets of Canadian and European Women
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Lauren, I agree with your take on the New York Observer's trend piece about New York women seeking, as you put it, "natural commitment-phile" European men. The women who were profiled were indeed young. Like you, my friends who are paired off but not married are not waiting for the guy to pop the question. It's an annoying article.
I want to emphasize something about the difference between the state of affairs for women in America and in the rest of the civilized world. The competitiveness people bring to "dating" and "closing the deal" here is underpinned by intense economic competition and the desire—increasingly, the necessity—for basic social and physical security. There is a secret amongst the Canadian and European women living in the Big Apple. I know this because I am Canadian and my closest girlfriend is French, and when we resident aliens get together we really tear up this country and how it treats its women. (Our dating lives are fine and always have been.) When we talk about dating or the possibility of having family, with a man or on our own or with—gasp!—a coven of like-minded women (why not?), the conversation is framed entirely by the fact that we can count on our native countries to look after us should we—for whatever reason—not be able to make ends meet stateside. Now, we should be able to secure decent futures for ourselves, with or without male partners: We have Ivy League degrees, speak multiple languages, are savvy and entrepreneurial. We are also a lot more calm about dating and mating than the American women we know, who seem plagued by contradictory forces.
The New York Observer article briefly mentions the benefits of social democracies:
But what makes the European hunks so commitment-happy—a phase that typically takes many New York men until their 40s to reach? ... Maybe it’s the surplus of E.U. benefits—free day care, health care, and tax benefits even for unmarried couples—that makes the possibility of contented ménage a more realistic proposition at an earlier age.
I'm always baffled that women here don't demand the same benefits on which we Canadian and European women rely. It would make dating and mating a lot easier, that's for certain. American family values? Where are they?
The calculus of long-term committment is just different when your country guarantees the basic necessities of an advanced civilization. When your government provides you, as they do in Canada and in Europe, with health care that is unlinked to a job or "productivity," subsidized prescription drugs, child care, free education through graduate school, and, finally, old-age pensions with visiting nurses if you need them to retain your health and a modicum of dignity. Marriage, ultimately, is about family, however you shape it. I sometimes don't blame men here for being lame or commitment-phobic. They're probably terrified of failing as providers or co-providers.
Photograph of Halle Berry and French husband Gabriel Aubrey by Frederick M. Brown/Getty Images.
Comments
American vs. Euro girls
By: blingchick | Wed, 01/13/2010 - 11:24
I'm American too and I think my fellow Americans are being too touchy on this subject. It's not lazy to have social benefits. When there is free socialized medicine, childcare, housing and education it makes for a more humane society. Do you know how many Americans are unemployed now?? Millions. They could use the free services and not have to worry about putting a roof over their head in one of the worst recessions in U.S. history.
That being said, I've met Italian and French girls who don't have the sad dating problems that seem to plague American women. It's very telling when dating books like "The Rules" and "He's Just Not That Into You" are huge best-sellers in the U.S. Euro girls have guys chasing after them all the time. I've met some pretty happy Italian girls. You would be happy too if your gorgeous Italian boyfriend puts you on a pedestal.
And just look at how high
By: Fleur | Mon, 01/11/2010 - 21:24
And just look at how high taxes are in Northwestern Europe countries because of people over there who are too lazy to work because they know they can get money off the government anytime they want (which is not even there money as it comes from hard-working taxpayers). Really its criminal how high taxes are in those countries just so women can raise kids that they shouldn't have been having if they couldn't afford them. Sweden has a 50% tax income rate. I'm so glad America isn't that way. At least I can actually buy things here and so in a way I am freer than some European women. With possessions comes the ability to choose how you want your life.
It also needs to be taken into account that Northwestern countries have much smaller populations than America. Sweden has 9 million whilst America has 303 million people. Of course, we have more social issues and its harder to enforce Healthcare. And besides equal isn't always fair. It must suck to have to stick to a cohesive attitude all the time in those "socialist." What if you have an attitude? I would, after having to give 50% of my paycheck to the government. And I really don't care if you think I'm a mean person or not. Since your so "liberal" you shouldn't care either way.
And besides if you hate America so much just leave. Though in truth you probably really love how cheap everything is over here compared to the merchandise in your stores back home. How did you ever afford a girls night out? Maybe you even noticed that Europe is going down the drain along with many other countries. And if the rest the world is going down the drain eventually northern Europe will to. The world can't be just about Europe after all. Thats a thing of the past.
And if you think America treats its women badly you should go to the Middle East. Lets see how long your supposedly entrepreneurial self lasts. I'd really like to see that. And why if I might ask do you need to get government money when your an entrepreneur and such a savvy chick? Europeans always think there so smart. But someday you'll see your economy and country be just like America. Then maybe you'll learn to be grateful for what you have.
For everyones sanity and the Earth's well-being don't have kids that you can't afford. You should not need free childcare. People in Europe should not get that. If you can't afford kids, keep your legs closed. Why is it that women think being independent and liberated correlates with welfare, too?
I'm so glad I've chosen an asexual lifestyle. It makes things simpler.
Through the blurry haze of nostalgia...
By: El_Y | Mon, 01/11/2010 - 11:51
As an Americano living in Toronto, I was pretty surprised and delighted to hear that all these years I have been living in a utopian society without knowing it. School is free through grad school? Really? In what province? And in what decade? Incidentally, the National Post just published a long article this weekend about how Canadian schools are debt-ridden and in financial straits; not only are they not free right now, but they're likely to get much LESS free in the future. As for the bit about Canada being a dating mecca because of socialized medicine...come on, eh? Dating is dating. Young men resist settling down because they're young men, and young women resist demonstrating the sustained periods of sanity that are required to convince young men to settle down. You could just as easily (and absurdly) argue that Canadian men are LESS likely to get married because buying a car in Canada can be as much as 50% more in real dollars than its equivalent in the US, so Canadian men have less real income relative to their American analogs, and are therefore less inclined to take on domestic responsibilities.
Europe Rules!
By: Laura KW | Mon, 01/11/2010 - 11:42
When I lived in Europe, I was teaching English to a class of married Spanish moms. They envied my American single gal lifestyle - gallivanting across the globe, having flings with sexy expats and pretty doing whatever the heck I wanted. True, it was quite a thrill.
"But what you have that I never will," I told them, "was the security knowing you and yours will always be taken care of no matter what happens."
I envy Europe's social systems. They ensure safety, good health and education and create a civilization of compassion and cohesion - one in which being competitive and exploitive of one another rarely fits. What a perfect place for love and real commitment to bloom!
No country "guarantees the
By: pampl | Mon, 01/11/2010 - 10:59
No country "guarantees the basic necessities of an advanced civilization" or anything close to it. Kawalek wants a slightly different and broader set of things guaranteed than she gets here, but it really is the vanity of petty differences.
Some corrections to comments below: birth rate in the social democracies of Western Europe is positively correlated with maternity benefits. The states with the lowest birth rates (e.g. Italy, Spain) are those with the worst maternity benefits and the most retrograde sex roles; the Scandinavian countries have some of the best maternity benefits and also the highest birth rates. It will be interesting to see how US conservatives strike a balance between these conflicting problems, but the current know-nothing movement will have to run its course before the Right can do any intellectually serious modernizing.
mistake in caption
By: j2001 | Mon, 01/11/2010 - 09:17
Sorry to be nitpicky about something a bit insignificant, but Gabriel Aubrey and Halle Berry are not married and he's French Canadian....
Kawalek is right!
By: wx.inon | Mon, 01/11/2010 - 02:26
I completely agree with Kawalek. Americans do not think of other Americans as being on the same team as they are. There is no sense of community like there is in other countries. People would never want to provide child care and health care for other people other than their own families because there is a sense here that the individual should fend for himself. It's insane and this is why the United States is the only first world country to allow something like this to take place. Only here do citizens not have access to public health care. Those people who argue that the author and her friends aren't entrepreneurial don't know what the meaning of the word means. If any of her friends has started a business, she has taken entrepreneurial risks; she is entrepreneurial. That's all there is to it. Entrepreneurial does not mean that you have certain political beliefs. You don't have to abhor public health care and childcare in order to be entrepreneurial. That has nothing to do with it. There are plenty of entrepreneurs in Europe.
By not providing cost effective child care options, the US forces women to choose between being mothers and being providers in a world in which two incomes are necessary. A few of my European friends did the sensible thing when they became mothers- they moved back to Europe. I wish I had this option myself.
You are not "entrepreneurial"
By: fidgetf | Sat, 01/09/2010 - 16:06
"Entrepreneurial" means effort and risk taking and entrepreneurs are rightly honored for the benefits they bring to society. By definition, the welfare state is the antithesis of risk taking.
It seems like you tagged yourself with this word because such a wonderful person as yourself should naturally be described with positive words.
Speaking as an actual entrepreneur, your attitude is poisonous to the environment I need for my business to succeed. Not coincidentally, the welfare-state economies of Canada and Europe are weaker than ours, with structurally higher unemployment, lower growth, and a lower overall standard of living.
I have lived in Europe for extended periods of time and I agree with the other comments that Europe is dying. Please keep your poison to yourself so we don't start to die as well.
why come here in the first place?
By: Dani | Sat, 01/09/2010 - 15:22
If we Americans are so loathsome? Stay in France or whatever and enjoy the benefits of being French or Swedish or whatever.
This article is actually not true. Marriage is fast disappearing in Europe. Moreover, all the welfare in the world has not been able to persuade the typical European woman to have children. Europe is a dying continent. The more welfare and government benefits they get, the less interested they are in continuing their own culture or having future generations. At least this is true for the native populations. The immigrant populations are having children and are perpetuating their cultures.
Europe will end as far for the French, Italian, German, Swedish. liberal, democratic, western things. The religions is already dead. The culture will be Islamic and African. They will not be so stupid as to follow the path of the natives. They will thrive and have children and continue their traditions, their religion, and their cultures, long after the natives and their culture have gone.
What Europeans resent about Americans is that we want to survive, the one unforgivable sin. No doubt one day we will follow their lead.
Sorry. Manhattan (and I say
By: husker88 | Sat, 01/09/2010 - 13:00
Sorry. Manhattan (and I say this as a former 10-year resident, Ivy League, MBA male, etc) is about as typical of the US as Hong Kong is of China.
Sorry again-- no men in Manhattan are there to setlle down. We're not stupid. We're delighted that all of you "sophisticated" Manhattan girls are there to provide commitment-free sex. We appreciate it. But you are not marriage (mother to our children) material. You're fun to party with, but we think you're parasites.
A third sorry-- homo sapiens whether you like it or or not, does better with a committed Mom and Dad. Live in denial as much as you like. I understand this hurts, but your belief that you can raise kids alone or in a co-op violates every law of animal behavior. Whether in the ghetto, Queens, or Sutton Place, kids without fathers don't do well.
I understand why you want to tell yourself that it's cool, chic, or grownup to have children by yourself while the government subsidizes you. But look all over the world and how those kids turn out. The evidence is humorless-- kids without Dads do worse on every academic and emotional scale. Doesn't matter what race, color, or zip code.
Enjoy Manhattan all you like. Just don't think you're getting (a) a husband or (b) a child who succeeds out of it. The kids who will succeed will be born to mothers with very different ideas about their role. Your kids may be beautiful accessories. But they will not be among the leaders of their generation. Hope you get a lot out of it.
But hey-- you're grownups. I'm sure you'll make the right choice.