Children Speaking at Public Funerals: Cathartic or Cruel?

All the adults get to speak, why not the kids?

By: crucker23 | Thu, 07/09/2009 - 12:23

Why wouldn't she want to speak? He's the only real parent that these kids have had, from the available information. Their family is gone, and the youngest kid's parentage seems to be heavily in question. All they really have, now, is each other. I only watched it once, but it did look like they were letting her have her say. I think the relatives standing behind her actually looked a little apprehensive, as if they're not really sure what she was going to say, or whether she would become overwrought with emotion.

I don't think single parent adoption is ever the best choice, since this kind of thing can and does happen all the time; but, adopt them he did, and this is what's left. I'm glad she said what she said. It's her experience, her reality, and she got a chance to tell everyone how she felt about her dad.

@ AGirlCalledKill

By: hibousoir | Wed, 07/08/2009 - 19:19

I completely agree with everything you said. I also lost my father when I was very young, and I definitely felt what you felt watching Paris speak--and cried my little eyes out for her, too. Really excellent points.

I've been that little girl

By: AGirlCalledKill | Wed, 07/08/2009 - 19:13

When viewed alone, it may have looked exploitative, but when viewed as part of the whole, it looked unplanned and spontaneous. Marlon finished speaking, then someone said "I think Janet wants to say something", and suddenly Paris was there, and all hands were adjusting the microphone for her. Janet encouraged her to speak up, so everybody would hear what she had to say. Janet pulled her hair back, and the family surrounded her on all sides, ready to catch her if she needed them.

I've been that little girl. My mother died when I was 11 too and at her funeral the strongest compulsion I felt was to get up and say something about her. Everyone was talking about how kind she was, and how generous, and how loyal, and how brave - and all of it in relation to their own experiences with her. Nobody had said anything about how good of a mother she was. So I did. Wild horses couldn't have stopped me. My mother's funeral was not a public event in the same way that MJ's was, but it was public in that it was separate from our private family only viewing. There were about 300 people there, many of whom I had never met, and it was those people I was speaking to when I spoke about my mother. Telling my aunts and uncles and cousins at our private viewing about my mother would have been pointless. I had to tell the people who only knew her as a community volunteer, or as a cancer patient, or as a finance manager, that she was also the best mother in the world.

I can't speak for Paris, but it looked like she had that same compulsion. Her family already knew he was her Daddy and she loved him. Telling them at their private service would have been pointless in the same way it was for me. She had to tell us, the people who only knew MJ as a dancer, a singer, a tabloid freak, an escape, an inspiration - that he was the best father in the world, and that she loved him.

The family did the right thing in letting her speak. You only get one chance to speak at your mother or father's funeral - and I think if she'd missed out, or been prevented from saying anything, her grieving process might have been affected. With just a few sentences, she got so much off her chest, and when it became clear that she couldn't go on, Janet bundled her up and they got her off the stage.

Exploitative, it was not. It was cathartic - most definitely for her, and probably for the millions of people watching. I cried my eyes out for her. I've felt those feelings and my heart ached for her. I understand completely why she did what she did, and have a great deal of respect for the family for allowing her the opportunity to express herself, and for shielding her when she cried.

Everyone loves to criticise the Jackson family. They're an easy target. Heck, in the 90's it was practically a sport. But there was nothing about what happened yesterday that bears criticism. The family conducted itself with the utmost dignity and class. I think there's a lot of jaded folk out there who are disappointed that the funeral wasn't a three-ring circus, and because of that they're latching onto the rawest display of emotion and calling it exploitation. How dare anyone invalidate a little girl's feelings by suggesting her family exploited her grief?

Exploitation would have been shoving her out there on her own. Her aunts and uncles unified around her and her brothers, and supported those children. It was the most honest declaration of love anyone has seen from any of the Jacksons in a very long time.

Paris clearly asked to speak

By: TigerLily81 | Wed, 07/08/2009 - 15:58

Anyone watching saw that Paris obviously really wanted to speak. She's nearly 12 and should be able to make decisions like this.

Watching the service I was struck by how protective she seemed to be of Michael's memory. If you watch Al Sharpton's eulogy again, you'll see that Paris was one of the first family members to stand up with a standing ovation after the "there was nothing strange about your daddy" line. She's probably well aware of the things that have been said about her father and this was her moment to stick up for him.

A little weird

By: P Starling | Wed, 07/08/2009 - 14:49

Michael Jackson shielded his three kids from scrutiny to a frightening degree, so there is something jarring about honoring him by having his daughter speak in front of thousands in a memorial service broadcast to millions more. Given that Jackson's own astonishing dysfunctions fixed themselves on the childhood he never had, perhaps he had more reason than most to guard his children's privacy.

Generally speaking, I'd not criticize a child speaking at a parent's funeral. In this case, I agree with Jessica: the appropriate venue was Jackson's family service. I cannot help but think that Jackson suffered his entire life as a result of his parents' willingness to parade him publicly at Paris's age. Isn't it a little thoughtless, if not disrespectful to him, for his family to parade his children in front of adoring crowds? I mean, do people applaud at normal funerals?

My heart breaks for the child, and she did a wonderful job reminding me, at least, that there were people who loved Jackson for himself, not because of the Jackson 5 or the Thriller video or the single glove. But Jackson would surely have hated the idea that 90% of America has now seen his little daughter crying on YouTube.

Exploitation?

By: rivercitygator | Wed, 07/08/2009 - 14:00

Maybe your question is fair, but your post is more akin a solution in search of a problem. I cannot see how anyone watching the event would come away from it thinking anything but how much it was conducted with taste and dignity. Those children were not exploited, and Paris certainly wasn't for being given the opportunity to say to the world how much she loved her father. They had already been in the public eye, but largely let alone by the press and they were not singled for many (or any) extended camera shots (on CNN anyway) during the entire event, save for all of them, family and friends, on stage for the last two songs celebrating his life. Paris wanting to speak at the end, was most apparently unplanned.

Your post seems to me to be of a more knee-jerk, cursory reaction kind than actual true consideration of the event. Your "detection" of exploitation also seems to me to misunderstand the definition of such. Simply having a child speak, even at a memorial, is not exploitation in and of itself. Seeing there faces does not mean exploitation either.

I think the problem with this post, however, extends from a conventional, if not well-thought out, premise (i.e. the assumption that children being seen, covered by the media or speaking at a memorial for the death of a loved one/parent is somehow reflexively exploitative) and then moves on to make an inaccurate comparison to Princess Di's death.

Had you thought more about it or not been predisposed to such a reflexive response, you would probably come to realize that statements are unfounded.

The girl is 11.

By: some obscure re... | Wed, 07/08/2009 - 13:44

Have you ever tried to stop a confident, headstrong 11-year-old girl from barreling forward with what she wants to do? If the family had wanted to stop her from speaking, they'd've had to put her on the other side of the stage with a defensive phalanx in between.

Frankly, I think it speaks well of all involved that the girl had the desire and confidence to speak from the heart in front of a crowd, and that her family supported her and let her do exactly what she felt she needed to do. Raw grief doesn't come with an etiquette guide.

Depends

By: geml | Wed, 07/08/2009 - 13:42

It depends upon the culture you are raising your children to be part of. For instance, in Appalachian culture, children are never shielded from a funeral, indeed, growing up, we often played "funeral" (it was great fun being the "corpse" and suddenly coming back to life and melding into a sudden game of tag). The culture of Appalachia provides for the children at funerals -- they are by no means expected to "behave" (ie, act like miniature adults) there is food provided (I have wonderful memories of funeral food growing up) and there are often plenty of other children around to play with. (Confession, once played hide and seek in the funeral home...)

But in another culture, even a few miles from Appalachia, all of this would be viewed as barbaric and appalling. (And that's fine, if that's your opinion, but I wouldn't trade the way I was raised for the world, and I hope your children can say such positive things about the way you raise them 30 years later.)

I can't speak to the Jacksons, but many African-American funeral traditions are a lot closer to Appalachian than they are to the sterilized, child-free, traditions found in many parts of the country. No child, no matter what culture they come from, should have to lose a parent while they are still growing up. But insisting that they give up a tradition that gives them comfort and familiarity (assuming that the Jackson children found his celebrity driven culture thus) doesn't, to my mind, help anyone.

Jessica -- try a post that's not cynical and sarcastic

By: JaneS | Wed, 07/08/2009 - 13:04

Well now we can all sigh with relief that Jessica Grose has weighed in with her thoughts on Michael Jackson's memorial. How else would we have gotten the most sarcastic and cynical view possible of this historic, tasteful and memorable event without always-sour Jess chiming in?

As a parent myself (and maybe that would be useful experience to have Jessica, if you feel compelled to criticize other families), I did not see anything wrong at all with how the Jackson family treated the children yesterday. And I agree with Troy Patterson's Slate review where he says, sure we were all waiting for tasteless vulgarity, but it never happened. The children were not paraded on stage by themselves to a swelling orchestra or treated any differently from any other family member. The media afterwards way overplayed the Paris video clip, but that is not something you take the family to task for -- point the finger at your media-elite peers instead for milking it and sensationalizing it.

What took my breath away was seeing the youngest child clutching a Michael Jackson doll at the ceremony, that was also a tragic sad heartbreaking moment that many in the media overlooked.

And also, we can always count on Jess to play loose with the facts -- as other comments have pointed out, William and Harry played a very visible role in Diana's funeral, and who can forget the heartbreaking "Mummy" note that was seen by all on top of the casket?

Crawl back to your misery cave Jessica, and let those of us with hearts and non-snarky attitudes grieve in respect with this family in mourning.

Kids and Grief

By: akgirl | Wed, 07/08/2009 - 12:55

Don't forget that Bindi Sue Irwin offered a statement and spoke very publicly about her father, Steve Irwin (Crocodile Hunter), after his death. I'm pretty sure she spoke at a public memorial. MJ's kids will be wrestling with his image all their life as they continue to age. They deserve, as much as anyone else, to express their pure grief now with the support of their extended family. It can be, for Paris, a moment that she will look back on with gratitude that she was able to have with people who also loved her father.