Assisted Suicide is Not About Romance

  • Posted: July 17, 2009 at 10:40 AM
  • By Amy Bloom

In reading the conversation about the double assisted suicide of Sir Edward and Lady Joan Downes, I'm baffled by the idea that it was either selfish or super-romantic. Old people dying quietly is nicer than old people being crushed by the pain of terminal cancer or old people having their consciousness obliterated by morphine. But romantic?

This is the most basic of quality of life issue. These are old people, one terminally ill, the other wracked with disabilities that diminished his quality of life. Why should anyone think he or she has the right to say, Well, you can't see and you can't hear and you can hardly get yourself from room to room. You're bent double with grief and loneliness but we'd like you to stick around so that when we feel like it, we can visit you at the holidays or pop by with the grandkids for a few hours once a month. Too bad, I'd say. God bless their son, who loved them enough to honor their wishes, bear his loss, and respect that his presence on Earth was not enough to make them wish to stay, much as they loved him. As baby boomers try to prolong our own lives, will we insist that our parents prolong theirs, because we're not ready to be orphans, as if being orphans was not pretty much the natural order after 40 or 50?

Photograph by Getty Images.

Comments

Just such a sad story

By: carocuth | Sat, 07/18/2009 - 15:32

I don't even know where to go with this, in my own heart. I am reminded of two things: my grandmother, fading away at 96, saying: "I want to go home" and the words of the Serenity Prayer: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference". I can only hope that this couple, having lived full and productive lives, truly believed that they had the wisdom to know, and that they made the journey home, wherever it may be, safely and in peace.

I don't understand the "you

By: Foobs | Fri, 07/17/2009 - 15:21

I don't understand the "you have no right to judge someone else" mindset. I have no right to control the choices of another person, except insofar as their choices control others. I should always approach other people with a reverent agnosticism that recognizes that they know their situation better than I do. However, if there really are right choices and their really are wrong choices (if, for example, leaving an abusive spouse is better than staying with them), then it damn well is anyone's place to judge someone else's choices.

Great comment..

By: jennies1897 | Fri, 07/17/2009 - 12:31

I liked Wordy's comment better than the article. The article seemed to have a snarky, attacking sort of tone that turned me off a bit but I think it was attacking the idea of how romantic it was for him to die with her. I agree whole heartedly - if someone wants to die, you ought to let them go. If they're still fighting to live, support 'em in it. No one can make the judgment on that except the person involved in the situation. We can play like we could, we can ponder and think, but we never really know 'til we're there.

I can't help but have it tug at my heart strings though. He just sounds like he's saying, "I'm old, useless and no one wants me" and like his kids are supporting the idea their dad's useless. I can get past that though, he's not my dad and lord knows I'm not going to support him. With assisted suicide as a legal issue, I'd be afraid of how many people would manipulate others in to it. We watched an adult mastermind a plan on how do it to Megan Meier. We're quietly appalled, but being appalled doesn't necessarily stop anyone from doing anything.

Amy said what I said... only better

By: wordy | Fri, 07/17/2009 - 11:25

I was moved by Bonnie's judgemental post to comment, and I have to say that Amy said exactly what I said.... of course, only better. I don't think any of us are saying this is how we want life to be... growing old is the antithesis of how we imagine life. But, it reminds me of a class in college where we studied a culture that when someone grew too old to care for themselves, or was terminally ill, they would put them on a raft and have a party and send them off. Compare that to societies that actually revere the old, and set them up as Gods and keep them alive as long as humanly possible. Now, both of these are extremes, but who is anyone to say what is right or wrong for that group. I don't want my mom to EVER feel like a burden to me, no matter what needs I have to meet for her. But, on the same hand, I don't want to make her suffer only so that I can keep her around. I don't think that society should get in the business of policing quality of life. We aren't talking about the government setting up homes to take old people and drop them off when you don't want to be bothered. We are talking about an option for those who have a right to choose. Who have earned the right to say enough, I'm done.

amy bloom on assisted suicide

By: Fran | Fri, 07/17/2009 - 10:16

EXACTLY RIGHT ON!! Nobody's business to judge the couple's choice.

Amy Bloom rocks

By: lorikay4 | Fri, 07/17/2009 - 09:53

First, I have to be a hopeless geek and say that I love your writing so much. Love it love it love it.

Second, I think you are dead on the mark here. I do have a small reservation regarding the normalization of assisted suicide, and the good point made in a different post about how the writer could imagine women coming to be pressured to check themselves out so as to avoid being a burden on folks, since not being a worry to others is culturally impressed upon woman in a significant way. But I don't see anything wrong or selfish or bad about what this couple did. It's not like they were depriving themselves or someone else of a significant quality or quantity of life. Hooray for the kids who cowboyed up and supported their parents.