Are Later Marriages Unhappy Marriages?
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Some 20-somethings take their relationship advice from friends, some from Cosmo. Me, I like it straight from middle-aged veterans of the Bush Administration. That’s why I’m listening very closely when Michael Gerson tells me I’m living in “a relational wasteland,” a “hormone filled-gap” between adolescence and marriage.
Gerson, who is very attached to the particular way of ordering a life that prevailed during his own childhood, doesn’t like the emergent distance between the onset of sexual activity and marriage. He wants to argue that there is only one appropriate time to get married, and he wants social science to be on his side:
Later marriage has been one of the reasons for declining national divorce rates. But this does not mean the later the better. Divorce rates trend downward until leveling off in the early 20s. But people who marry after 27 tend to have less happy marriages –perhaps because partners are set in their ways or have unrealistically high standards. The marital sweet spot seems to be in the early to mid-20s.
Ah, yes, perhaps—the magic mechanism by which columnists bend correlation into a suggestion of causation. Perhaps you 28-year-olds are too deeply traumatized by your dark time in the relational wasteland to ever love again. Gerson’s framing implies that if you wait until your 30s to put a ring on it, trouble awaits. I emailed Steve Horwitz, an economist who studies marriage and family formation, to ask where the number 27 came from. He pointed me to this report from the National Fatherhood Initiative. According to a survey commissioned by the Initiative, people who married at 28 or older were somewhat less likely to say their marriages were “very happy.” As Horwitz points out, “They give us no analysis to show that this difference is statistically significant. Even if it is, it just means that those 28+ group could be more 'happy' than 'very happy.' " The report’s own authors clearly state that they can't say whether marrying late "causes low marital success."
Beyond these lazy conflations, we have Gerson's framing of the premarriage 20s as a "gap," a hiatus between childhood and marriage. It seems not to occur to him that some might consider their 20s as meaningful a period as any other. Some might not aspire to marriage and children. It's weirdly fascinating to watch someone worry about the placing of various goalposts before he realizes the whole game has changed.
Kerry Howley is a contributing editor at Reason Magazine and an Arts Fellow at the University of Iowa's literary nonfiction program.
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just think about "happy"
By: MrsV | Fri, 09/18/2009 - 15:25
Ah, when you were young and in love...how did it feel? Blissful? Blinding? Thrilling? You just can't believe that someone could make you so...enthralled! Is that "very happy?" When you're in it, yes. And a lot of lifelong teaching says that such deliriousness is "very happy."
Now remember how it felt when that person did something that displeased you. They didn't call! They got the wrong cereal! Oh, the pain! I can't bear it! How can this be happening? Because the opposite of ecstasy is agony, Younger Me.
So, if "just happy" is that little thrill you feel when you softly kiss your deeply-snoring partner...if it's when the phone rings at work and I hope it's you, even if you're just asking about dinner...if it's holding hands while we watch re-runs...well, I'll take "just happy."
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re: Are Later Marriages Unhappy Marriages?
By: MacieG | Thu, 09/17/2009 - 20:52
Many times, couples marry too quickly. They will date each other for a while then decide to get married without really thinking it through. Getting married is a big step to take, and marriage should not be taken lightly.
Often, young couples that rush into marriage, find that living with their partner is not easy, ignore unhappy marriage signs or they simply lose interest in the marriage and seek divorce.
Infidelity is one of the most common causes of divorce. More often than not, it is the man in the relationship that "cheats" and has another romantic liaison going on behind his wife's back. When the wife discovers that her husband has been cheating, she will often file for divorce and the marriage ends abruptly.
Financial difficulties can also lead to divorce. If a couple is struggling with money matters it often leads to stress, which can put great strain on the marriage. Many marriages, unfortunately, end in divorce because of financial problems which installment loans cannot handle.
Perhaps the couple just cannot see eye-to-eye on things regarding their finances and are not willing to compromise in order to solve the problems.
There are many, many causes of divorce these days. People do not take marriage as seriously these days as they did a couple of generations ago.
Was worth the wait for us
By: Kapt Z | Thu, 09/17/2009 - 19:59
I didn't tie the knot until I was 37. My wife was 34. Funny thing was we both agreed that had we met when we were in our 20's we probably would have hated eachother. Sometimes the wine IS better when you let it age a little. Six years of bliss, a adorable 2 year old girl and another on the way. No regrets.
late marriage
By: DoctorDeath | Thu, 09/17/2009 - 13:32
Drie76, I just got married at 34. You have one year left. Good luck.
More about men?
By: geml | Thu, 09/17/2009 - 13:15
Just an offhand observation, but a lot of the "marry young" pep talk that I've seen often seems more directed at men than women. I don't think it's incidental that he's quote from a study done by the National Fatherhood Initiative, for instance. Risking a feminist backlash, I've personally known far more women who were ready for marriage in their 20's than men, but as well all know, anecdote (including the original posters) isn't necessarily meaningful or significant about anything.
I find generalities about "the one" - whether the person, the time, or the situation more than annoying.
Defensive Much ?
By: h0tr0d | Thu, 09/17/2009 - 12:51
You might just assume that he is talking about generalities and averages....not every individual like yourself. When your 20 something you have no experience to look back on...not just your own, but neither friends nor relatives either. You might be quite surprised when your 40 something that you were not nearly as smart as you think you are at 20 something.
*sigh*
By: Drie76 | Thu, 09/17/2009 - 12:33
Great. So, because I didn't meet "Mr. Right" when I was in my mid-20's, I'm doomed? As if I didn't have enough social pressure about marriage already. I'm 33, and all I seem to read about is how time is running out on having babies, how I should be married, and how I'm basically a spinster for not being married yet.