For the past few days, I’ve been ruminating about Jonah Lehrer’s New York Times Magazine piece, “Depression’s Upside," which is still hanging around the Web site's most e-mailed list. He argues that in our efforts to relieve ourselves of the discomfort of depression, we risk missing the message about why we’re sad. Could the same be said about stress? A thought-provoking piece in the current issue of Feminism & Psychology makes a similar case: Our cultural chatter about women’s stress focuses so much on how to manage tension and anxiety that it loses sight of why we’re supposedly so miserable. The real reason is the double burden of career and family care on working mothers, argues Dana Becker, professor at Bryn Mawr’s Graduate School of Social Work and Social Research.

Unlike depression, which tends to surface at various times in one’s life, stress is everywhere all the time. The more people study stress, the more we realize it plays a role in everything from infertility, weight gain, heart disease, sexual disinterest, insomnia, premature death, mental illness, head colds, and irrationality. Although knowledge is power, too much knowledge becomes an onerous responsibility, especially if you wonder whether you could have avoided the sniffles if you’d just meditated more. Women either have to focus on keeping stress at bay or go into high gear to snuff it out. Becker writes: “[Women] are everywhere exhorted to practice behaviors, adopt attitudes, and buy products that will decrease stress or its effects. The 19th-century rest cure has been supplanted by scented candles and pastel yoga mats.”

The bigger goal isn’t about helping women feel better. It’s about protecting the whole family’s well-being, as reflected in the belief, “If Mommy’s OK, then everyone’s OK,” contends Becker. The “stressed-out” woman is not only seen as at risk for becoming sick and not being able to fulfill her care-taking duties, but also inflicting emotional damage by screaming at her husband and children because she is so overwhelmed. She’s got to remain calm at all costs. Thus, responsible women are on a perpetual quest for so-called “balance,” which, of course, is impossible to achieve.

The dangerous implication, Becker argues, is that women are told that they can resolve work-family tensions by fixing themselves. Women see their stress as a personal problem and not a structural one, such as lack of family friendly workplace policies or affordable housing. “As long as women are increasingly helped to view stress—and their own emotional reactions to it—as the enemy to be vanquished, possibilities for widespread social critique and social action will be effaced,” she writes. Becker makes an important point that our cultural obsession with stress reduction is a distraction from the bigger challenges of demanding real change. In the meantime, it would be nice if the few things that busy women did for themselves weren’t regarded as a new category of “work.”

Tags: stress, work-life balance

This morning Gawker linked to the best Craigslist ad ever, posted by a Dr. Emil Chynn, a surgical ophthalmologist whose Web site proudly proclaims that he is “the only laser surgeon in NYC who is a [Mensa] Certified Genius.” Dr. Chynn has an empty studio in his office building on Park Avenue, and he’ll let his personal assistant live there for free if she (has to be a she) is willing to walk on his back for an hour a day, troll match.com to find him a girlfriend, and stock his office fridge with all her leftover food. Plus, if he marries the woman she helps him find, his immigrant parents will pay the assistant $10,000 in cash.

As Gawker acknowledges, this isn’t the first time that Dr. Chynn has offered up an unconventional living situation on Craiglist.  They don’t know this: Back in the spring of 2005, when I was doing a book-publishing internship and looking for summer housing, I responded to a Craigslist ad offering an insane deal on an entire floor of a townhouse in the West Village. The guy wrote back and said that before we could talk about the particulars, I had to send him a picture of myself. Alarm bells definitely went off, but I had already emotionally invested a little too hard in my fantasy West Village apartment and I wasn’t quite willing to let the dream die. I sent him a picture of myself standing in front of the Ljubljanica River in Slovenia, one that I thought made me look worldly, mature, and chaste. I got a response quickly, an enthusiastic e-mail explaining that the heavily subsidized rent would be in return for cooking, cleaning, and other unspecified favors. He never asked for sex outright, but the insinuation, I felt, was there. Shamed to have nearly fallen prey to a Craigslist creep, I never responded, and went on to spend the summer sleeping on a futon in the living room of a one-bedroom apartment in Kip’s Bay. I did, however, Google the guy’s e-mail address and was somewhat surprised to discover that he was a prominent eye doctor.

Dr. Chynn, it seems, has gotten a bit savvier about his Craigslist ads—this new one is far more descriptive and specific than the one I responded to, and the picture is optional. And to allay any confusion, Dr. Chynn makes sure to stress that he’s not asking for anything sexual: He’s just a regular doctor with multiple Ivy League degrees, inflexible hip flexors, lower-back stiffness, and no time to prepare his own food! Gawker says Chynn “seems sort of harmlessly creepy, and the voicemail he left us was very reasonable!” I have to say though, I’m still pretty skeeved out that Chynn extends his offer only to women (perhaps men are too heavy to walk on his back?) and by some of the language he uses: His assistant needs to have “good sense of style and fashion,” should get used to “taking orders,” and will have the occasional privilege of sunbathing at one of Chynn’s two beach houses. Perhaps most cryptically, Chynn says that “intake/outtake must be done simultaneously to the massage/stretch, or I won’t have time for either.” For all his Ivy League degrees and Mensa certifications, Dr. Chynn might learn to use his words more wisely.

Tags: Craigslist, Dr. Emil Chynne, Gawker

It's a feminist marker of sorts when a female navy captain gets booted from her command and it's absolutely clear that sexism had nothing to do it. From the near-unanimous reports of her crew, Captain Holly Graf was the nastiest sailor ever to command a warship:

She "creates an environment of fear and hostility [and] frequently humiliates and belittles watch standers by screaming at them with profanities in front of the Combat Information Center and bridge-watch teams," a crew member told the IG. According to 29 of the 36 crew members who were questioned for the Navy's report, Graf repeatedly dropped F bombs on them. "Take your goddam attitude and shove it up your f______ ass and leave it there," she allegedly told an officer during a stressful maneuver aboard the 567-ft., 10,000-ton vessel.

Here's another crew member on her sadistic, Mommie Dearest qualities:

"The only words I want to hear out of your mouth are 'Yes ma'am' or 'You're correct, ma'am.' " She also allegedly put a "well-respected master chief" in "time out" — standing in the ship's key control room doing nothing — "in front of other watch standers of all ranks."

And finally, a sister crew member.

'Don't come to me with your problems,' " she said, quoting Graf. " 'You're a f______ department head.' " The officer also said that Graf once told her, "I can't express how mad you make me without getting violent."

A second female officer told the IG that Graf was a "terrible role model for women in the Navy," alleging that Graf once told her and a fellow officer on the bridge, "You two are f______ unbelievable. I would fire you if I could, but I can't."

Tags: female navy captain, Holly Graf

—Embattled New York governor David Paterson may face prosecution for accepting five free World Series tickets. [New York Times]

—Sarah Palin teams up with reality show producer Mark Burnett to pitch a television docu-drama about Alaska. The gap between reality stars and politicians has officially closed. [Hollywood Insider]

—Gay couples in Washington, D.C., rejoice as the district begins licensing same-sex marriages. [Washington Post]

—After a year as FLOTUS, Michelle Obama believes that she is no longer a caricature. [Politico]

—Judith Warner’s new book about the myth of overmedicated children continues to generate conversation. [Daily Beast]

—Should the Oscar for best actor be gender-neutral? [New York Times]

Tags: david paterson, gay marriage, health, judith warner, Michelle Obama, parenting, politics, Reality Television, Sarah Palin

If you are a fan of trashy reality TV, Salon critic Heather Havrilesky's commentary on the new season of Real Housewives of New York City is a must-read. As Havrilesky points out, all the women on that show are bright enough to realize that they should use their moment in the docu-drama sun to promote their own "brands." And now that the show is in its third season, each woman's on-camera behavior is carefully curated to promote whatever crappy product she's shilling, be it Ramona's skin care line, Countess LuAnn's book of etiquette, Bethenny's diet products, or Jill's fabric store. Havrilesky channels a Housewife's thought process: "Am I the 'angry' one, the 'innocent' one, or the 'straight-talking' one? Should I appear confused and hurt or above it all? Which emotional response best matches my multi-tiered international product line?"

This is why—as I argued in a piece about Jersey Shore earlier this year—reality TV shows of this variety should only last one season, or they should at least have a new cast every season. Once the fourth wall is broken and reality TV participants start interacting with their audiences in real life, the magic is gone. Havrilesky argues that in later seasons there's a different kind of joy in watching calculated performances, but for my viewing minutes I prefer the pre-fame innocence of the early episodes. Of course, that won't stop me from tuning in to watch Bethenny and LuAnn in their brand embassador masks duke it out over whether it's appropriate to order a "skinny girl margarita (TM)" at a fancy restaurant.

Photograph of the Real Housewives of NYC by Gary Gershoff/Getty Images.

Tags: heather havrilesky, Real Housewives of New York City