Jessica, Kerry, Sarah and Meredith. I have a confession to make: I'm 34, separated, and because I would like to have a kid one day but not right now, I've caught myself indulging in that intimate calculus unique to the 30-something woman: What if I try to get pregnant at 36 and a year or so passes and nothing happens? What if I only feel ready at 40 but my womb has expired? Although I don't want to set a deadline ... what might that deadline be? This "womb calculus" flares up when I am reminded of my fertile powers: around the time of my period; when I get a sign I am ovulating (sharp sudden cramp, or spotting—I am not on the pill); when a friend tells me she is pregnant.

On the one hand, it seems like a good idea to include surrogacy in my calculus. Worse comes to worse I could always freeze some eggs or extract them and hire a surrogate. Paying another woman to carry and grow my genetic material seems like a decent backup plan, should it come to that. I'm not morally opposed to it. But because surrogacy is prohibitively expensive—it costs a minimum of $75,000, but with legal fees and multiple attempts it's more like $200,000—it isn't something a middle-class potential mother can consider.

What I ultimately take away from the Times article, and all surrogacy coverage for that matter, is that middle class women are the "Handmaids," to borrow Margaret Atwood's term, but not the patrons of surrogacy. I guess there is always reproductive tourism to India, where a poorer, younger or more fertile woman will opt to grow genetic material at a severely discounted price (about $7,500), a small but significant fortune over there.

How do you guys feel about that, and, if you have reasons to be concerned about fertility now or in the near future, does surrogacy enter into your calculus, or do you think about adoption?

Tags: reproductive tourism, sarah jessica parker, surrogacy

In response to Meredith's request to the mothers among us to tote up the number of "billable hours" in a pregnancy: This sum seems inherently incalculable, not only because it would differ wildly and unforeseeably from person to person and pregnancy to pregnancy, but because the normal model of pay for work just doesn't apply to bearing a child for someone else in exchange for money. A closer model might be civil compensation, such as if someone were hurt in an accident and a jury had to calculate how much her comfort, freedom of movement, quality of life, etc. were affected in order to reach a settlement.

Also, of course, a surrogate is incurring risks to her own health, agreeing to go through the pain and potential injury of labor, so there are things you're being compensated for over and above an hourly wage. I agree that $20,000 seems low (especially if you figure in that pregnancy doesn't really last nine months, but closer to 10, and that there's a significant recovery period after giving birth). But dividing the total sum by the number of hours you're pregnant (or the number of those hours that are experienced as inconvenient) doesn't really get at the problem.

Tags: motherhood, pregnancy, surrogacy

Although she now has been buried, I wanted to comment about the death of Chechen rights activist Natalia Estemirova. The stories of her life are singularly stunning. She investigated and spoke out about the kidnappings, torture, murders of Chechen. Inevitably, she was kidnapped, tortured, and murdered, leaving her teenage daughter an orphan.

Estimirova had worked with Russian investigative journalist Anna Politkovskaya, another murder victim, shot for telling the truth about oppression and corruption in Russia. The bravery of these women is almost unfathomable. Try to imagine dedicating your life to fighting the forces of evil, the people who use torture and murder as the most efficient political tools, and who also take pure pleasure in these acts. Estemirova and Politkovskaya lived with the knowledge that any too-close footfall, any unexplained creaking on the stairs, could be their final moment. Yet they never flagged.

A few months ago a sham of a trial ended with an acquittal of Politkovskaya's supposed murderers—of course the people at the top who ordered the killing remain free. It surely won't be any different in Estemirova's case. Evil can be a very successful political and business model.

Photograph of a Brussels rally in memory of murdered human rights activist Natalia Estemirov by Dominique Faget/AFP/Getty Images.

Tags: anna politkovskaya, natalia estemirova

Jessica, Kerry, and Sarah, your posts have me curious about the price of parenthood in surrogate situations, for both “intended parents” and surrogates. I crunched some numbers using the $20,000 payment that you mentioned, Sarah, and was shocked to realize that a surrogate making that much for a full-term pregnancy would earn less than half the federal minimum wage. When you consider that a pregnant woman is pregnant all day, every day, for nine months, $20,000 amounts to about $3 an hour.

This is obviously a highly unscientific calculation. You can be pregnant and continue to work (although you can also be pregnant and miss work because you’re at the doctor, or throwing up, or asleep). So help me out, DoubleXers who have had kids: At what point in a pregnancy does the forthcoming bundle of joy really start interfering with your life? How many “billable hours” could a pregnant woman expect to rack up? And is there any way to figure out just compensation for an endeavor as complicated as carrying someone else’s child?

Photograph of a pregnant woman by David DeLossy/Getty Images.

Tags: motherhood, pregnancy, surrogacy

Just as upsetting to me as the Henry Louis Gates Jr. arrest, Emily, is the way that so many people have been responding, including in our own comments section. There’s this reflexive defense mechanism that so often kicks in with white people (of which I am one) in situations like these; an urge to stand up for the white person accused of discrimination because hey, I’m white, and I’m not racist. I’ll admit, I feel that pull too at times—I cringe at people who fling around groundless accusations of racism (or, in some of my family members’ cases, anti-Semitism), just as I do at knee-jerk liberals, or anyone else whose overly-simplified attacks risk trivializing complex issues.

But this is not a case where people should get all smug about being “brave” and “honest” enough to question whether race was a factor; to suggest that maybe it was Gates who was out of line, not the cop. In all the steps of this story—the neighbor who called the cops, the way the officer spoke to Gates, the fact that the kerfuffle between them, no matter how much it was instigated by Gates, led to an actual arrest—it is just so hard to imagine that not one of them was influenced by Gates (and his driver) being black.

Blogger Kate Harding has a thorough explanation of why declarations that race isn’t a part of this arrest are coming from a position of white privilege. And to “people are trying to be all devil’s advocatey about it and suggest that Gates bears responsibility for making matters worse,” she offers this: “I’m sorry, who wouldn’t be a belligerent prick after getting off a long flight, coming home to a jammed door, then finding a cop in your living room accusing you of trying to steal your own shit? I sure would.” Ditto that.

P Starling, one of our favorite Double X commenters, takes the argument further, explaining from her experience on the police force that even if Gates were being a belligerent prick, that’s still not enough reason to arrest him:

[T]here is something here that no one has pointed out, probably since civilians usually don't realize it: the cops are soooooo used to that crap. If they arrested and processed everyone who gives them a hard time in a standard day, the streets would empty. In most states, in fact, disorderly conduct (which is indeed a crime) is not actually punishable by time in jail. It's a citation-level offense, along the same general line as letting your dog run around off leash.

In the seven years I worked for the police, there were many times when my coworkers would have loved to arrest someone on the "being a general asshole" clause. They never did. Not once. Because it would have been an abuse of power.

Photograph of Henry Louis Gates by William Thomas Cain/Getty Images.

Tags: henry louis gates, Race

Longterm friendships—like any other relationships that are important to men and women—sometimes hit bumps in the road. But when do you decide to bail out? That's what we discussed in this week's audio book club with Friend or Foe columnist Lucinda Rosenfeld. Which should serve as a reminder: e-mail Lucinda with all your friendship queries at lucinda@imsohappyforyou.com.

Did your best friend forget your birthday because she was on a three-day love bender with her new dude? How do you deal with it when a good friend and another good friend become close ... and start leaving you out? What's the best way to handle a wedding when you think your friend is marrying a total loser? Never fear. Friend or Foe is here to let you know the proper response.

Tags: friend or foe, I'm So Happy For You, lucinda rosenfeld