The Desire Lab

We Act Out Rape. And Then We Snuggle.

Here is another response from a reader to my question about the role that fantasy plays in your sex life.

As women, we are taught to fear men: fear them in clubs, fear them on streets when walking alone, and fear them in general as we lock up the doors for the night. Also, as women, in many ways we are taught that we shouldn't enjoy or ask for sex lest we be labeled as sluts.

So what better way to take control back from a society that wants its women pure and unlustful and take control of the fear we must have to protect ourselves from assault than with a hot, sexy, wanted rape fantasy? Enjoying a rape (during a fantasy setting) is the antithesis of both problems; first, a woman is fucked and LIKES it, and second the rapist is no longer in control of the situation because of the target's enjoyment.

The control is perhaps the best aspect of a rape fantasy. A partner who is loving and willing to indulge his woman is NOT in control of the situation (and, by the way, not some screwed up rapist in training as some "therapists" would lead you to believe). That is the very definition of a submissive in sex play. Submissive in name only. The submissive decides what actions are allowed and what aren't, and decides when play is finished. They may be crying out for help, or begging for mercy, but once the submissive says "that's IT, no more," the dominant "rapist" does not continue.

Finally, as a rape fetishist (let's call a spade a spade, here), there is nothing I like more then setting up the time, the rules, and the safe word and then letting my husband have his way with me. Sometimes we have plain-old "vanilla" sex, but the rape play, complete with tying up and a bit of boring spanking, makes me far, far more excited. And then, we snuggle.

Tags: Rape, sex research, sexual fantasy

Daniel Bergner is a contributing writer for the New York Times Magazine and the author of three books of nonfiction: The Other Side of Desire, In the Land of Magic Soldiers, and God of the Rodeo.

Comments

Define rape

By: wuzza | Mon, 11/09/2009 - 02:37

The whole idea of negating rape because of the woman's willingness reminds me of the French film "Fat Girl." A girl who was "raped" by a random attacker at a rest stop insists it was not rape when questioned by police because she enjoyed it and that was exactly the way she desired to lose her virginity. It's disturbing and very disorienting to the viewer because we want to label what we've just seen as rape, but we are not the girl, neither are we in her mind, so we cannot define for her what it was or wasn't.

That was somewhat random, but the writer's analysis of the fantasy rape made me think of that.

I can see it ...

By: Mizz.Givens | Fri, 10/30/2009 - 23:25

Sounds kinda sexy, although I'd have to think about whether I could get into it. (And actually, I will think about it. Quite a bit. Tonight. In the dark.)

I would, though, really like it if someone could stop those annoying advertisements/spam that people leave as comments. I hate it and this is not their space, it's ours.

As men we are taught to fear too.

By: chuck | Fri, 10/30/2009 - 09:03

Not everything is due to racism, sexism, or antisemitism:

"As women, we are taught to fear men: fear them in clubs, fear them on streets when walking alone, and fear them in general as we lock up the doors for the night."

Men fear other men on streets and we lock up doors at night as well. Being bigger and stronger does not help when the criminal has a gun, as most do these days. (I do have little fear of being raped I admit--or even meeting a woman who would like to rape me.) It think it is important to make a distinction between those things that are really due to discrimination and those that are societal problems that trouble us all.

Further, I don't see why it is necessary to come up with big rationales for everything. If a woman likes a rape fantasy, that is enough of a reason to do it with a trusted partner. It does not need to be part of a master plan to eliminate sexism.

That sounds fun

By: Caine | Thu, 10/29/2009 - 16:57

My wife enjoys almost that exact same fansasy. She also enjoys the 10 guy (with perfect bodies and huge members) gangbang fantasy.

It's quite entertaining to have your spouse open up to their most crazy fantasy and then safely engaging in something like it.