Here is another response from a reader to my question about the role that fantasy plays in your sex life.

As women, we are taught to fear men: fear them in clubs, fear them on streets when walking alone, and fear them in general as we lock up the doors for the night. Also, as women, in many ways we are taught that we shouldn't enjoy or ask for sex lest we be labeled as sluts.

So what better way to take control back from a society that wants its women pure and unlustful and take control of the fear we must have to protect ourselves from assault than with a hot, sexy, wanted rape fantasy? Enjoying a rape (during a fantasy setting) is the antithesis of both problems; first, a woman is fucked and LIKES it, and second the rapist is no longer in control of the situation because of the target's enjoyment.

The control is perhaps the best aspect of a rape fantasy. A partner who is loving and willing to indulge his woman is NOT in control of the situation (and, by the way, not some screwed up rapist in training as some "therapists" would lead you to believe). That is the very definition of a submissive in sex play. Submissive in name only. The submissive decides what actions are allowed and what aren't, and decides when play is finished. They may be crying out for help, or begging for mercy, but once the submissive says "that's IT, no more," the dominant "rapist" does not continue.

Finally, as a rape fetishist (let's call a spade a spade, here), there is nothing I like more then setting up the time, the rules, and the safe word and then letting my husband have his way with me. Sometimes we have plain-old "vanilla" sex, but the rape play, complete with tying up and a bit of boring spanking, makes me far, far more excited. And then, we snuggle.

Tags: Rape, sex research, sexual fantasy

So many patterns have emerged among the fantasies—and analyses of fantasies—you've sent in over the past few weeks. Violence and submission. The excitement of being desired (which has come through in all kinds of ways, including, if I'm not misinterpreting, in the reference, within yesterday's post, to being a pinup among soldiers serving in Iraq). But for a moment, I want to linger on the opening line of one recent reply: "I consciously avoid fantasizing about things I would never want to happen in real life." Is there a fear that desires given life in fantasy will take on more power, will become more real, more urgent, until they hold sway over life itself? Is this fear warranted in any way? What exactly is the relationship between what we fantasize and what we actually desire? Would we want to live out our fantasies if we could do so without harm? How much psychological danger lies within this territory? How closely can we allow fantasy and actuality to coexist? ... But this is subject matter to circle back to later. For today and tomorrow, some new replies. And then, next week, a new topic.

Tags: sex research, sexual fantasy, soldiers in iraq, submission